The wonderful thing about blogging (compared to other forms of writing) is that I can be candid and grammatically incorrect and write a paragraph about what I had for lunch yesterday, and it works. If I’m feeling particularly uninspired, I just have to wait a couple of weeks until something odd happens to me or I observe something hilariously ordinary, and BLAM: a blog post is born.
So here we are.
I’d love to tell you about the ONE funny time that I met a cute stranger and had a huge stain on my shirt and didn’t realize it until later. That’d be great – because it’d mean that it was remarkable enough in my life to tell as a charming anecdote at a dinner party. (For the record, I’ve never been to a dinner party and “charming” is not on the list of adjectives my friends and relatives would use to describe me or my stories).
These situations aren’t remarkable to me. Because they happen to me PRETTY MUCH ALL THE TIME. Toilet paper shoe-veil? Something huge and green in my teeth? Eye twitching uncontrollably? Bra showing? Lip bleeding and didn’t realize? Ripped pants? Unintentional and very loud snort laugh? Bee sting in the crotch in a bathroom stall with a long line of strangers waiting? Running into doors/windows/poles? Bleeding through my pants on my period? Accidental flying drop of spit that lands on someone’s face? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Check, check, check. It’s not even endearing and funny anymore. It’s just like “Oh, nice – glad it was a pepper grain in my teeth today, I don’t think I could have taken ripped pants this afternoon.”
And on that note, I would just like to address the issue of my American Eagle sandals for the record in case anyone sees me in public while I’m wearing them. Just so you know, dear people of the general populous, I AM NOT FARTING UNCONTROLLABLY. My sandals make a VERY realistic fart noise whenever I make a step. It’s not the noise that you question for a split second and then immediately without hesitation realize “yep, definitely a shoe squeak.” It’s the noise where you look at the person and and wonder “did they just?… Like 8 times??…… Oh my gosh, they totally did.” WELL, I DIDN’T. It’s my sandals. And you know, maybe next time a stranger putt-putts past you, you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and offer the explanation that they too are wearing sandals that make unintentional fart noises.
“Well why don’t you just buy a new pair of sandals?” you might ask. Did you not just read the previous paragraphs? CLEARLY embarrassing social situations are not foreign to me, and I am not about to spend over a hundred dollars on a pair of name brand Birkenstock sandals. I’ll take my knock-offs and weird looks from strangers and be just fine, thanks.
Another FUN thing going on in my life to share is that I cycled yet ANOTHER iPod through the washing machine in my scrub pants. YES, FOLKS – no more than 14 months later than the last time (read: another blog post in February of last year). I must have subconsciously decided my iPod needed a REAL whirlpool aquatic experience and that my wallet needed to lose some weight. SO GREAT, RIGHT? Wow, such a fun, fun thing. Woopee-freakin-doo.
Let’s just for a sec talk about port-a-potty companies. NOW THESE ARE REMARKABLE.
FIRST OFF, who comes up with these names? The other day on my way to work, I was behind this truck that was hauling one single port-a-potty (weird), and the company name was “Honey Bucket.” HONEY BUCKET? SERIOUSLY? Did Winnie the Pooh consult during the branding meeting? You’re selling boxes, inside of which hundreds of people take sh*ts into a hole. And you name it “Honey Bucket?”
But seriously have you ever seen a list of port-a-potty company names? What? Of course you haven’t because you’re not a freak who has looked it up. Well, now you have one less search entry in your browsing history to be embarrassed by, because I’ll do it for you.
Happy Can Portable Toilets
Blackmas Best Seat In The House Inc.
Plop Jon Inc.
LepreCAN Portable Restrooms
Wizards of Ooze Ltd.
Oui Oui Enterprises Ltd. (personal fave – adding a sophisticated french twist to the concept of urine, genius)
Willy Make It?
They just get better and better.
SECOND – How do all of these companies stay in business? When you think about all of the names of port-a-potties you’ve seen in your life, you start to realize how many companies are out there, and I just wonder – how do all of them stay in business? They all provide more or less the EXACT same service. The only difference is the name, and maybe whether there is hand-sanitizer dispenser or not. Like, on that list above, three of the companies are based in Chicago. I mean, yes Chicago is a big city, but how many port-a-potty companies are able to stay in business within a 100 mile radius? Apparently more than you would think.
THIRD – where do you have to go in life to work for a port-a-potty company? Is it a largely family based industry? I’m genuinely curious because I’ve never met a single person whose work is related to the buying/selling/renting of port-a-potties.
Well, there’s really nothing I can say now, since I just wrote multiple paragraphs about port-a-potties. Personally, I think the topic is quite thrilling. So much to laugh at. So many unknowns. Anyway. I hope you have a lovely weekend, void of embarrassing moments and farting sandals.