Can we trust the green lock? A memoir.

If I earned a dollar each time I have said: “If I could bury all of my money in tin cans in my backyard and still be able to function in society without being a social pariah, I would,” I’d need truckloads of tin cans and a much larger backyard.

In some respects, I adore the internet. It connects people. It is a learning tool. It’s a platform for individuals and organizations to exercise their voices. I wouldn’t have a blog without the internet. I can google embarrassing medical questions I should know the answers to and scroll through endless pictures of puppies. All of this is accessible from my finger tips.

But also, the internet terrifies me. When I search for a cute pair of flats, it is STAGGERINGLY worrisome to me that I can be searching flights to Montana on an unrelated website a day later and see ads for that same shoe brand exploding all over the webpage margins. (Also, that was just an example. I’m not buying flights to Montana. I’m sure Montana is beautiful and I would like to see a moose in person before I die, but I’m still not totally convinced anyone actually lives there)

And THAT is why, friends, online banking is terrifying. CAN WE REALLY TRUST THE GREEN PADLOCK ICON? I’m skeptical at best. So, I choose to find solace in the notion that I am not rich enough nor interesting enough for anyone to really go to the effort of stealing my money and my identity. YEAH. I get how identity theft works. As you’ve probably guessed, I have conducted EXTENSIVE research on the criminal mind and am a quite reputable source on this matter.

I bet someone somewhere would read that paragraph and believe that I am a criminal psychologist. Because the internet is CHOCKED FULL of false information. (But, here I would like interject to mention that it is exponentially MORE terrifying to know there are people alive who do believe almost everything they read. Oh, Lord, save us.) Still, it’s unnerving to know there is an immeasurable amount of skewed and false information out there. The more I learn about cyberspace, the deeper I want to crawl under my large, blue fleece  blanket and never leave.

And while we’re at it, let’s address the elephant in the room. WHAT IS “THE CLOUD?” Does anyone REALLY know? Come on. Don’t pretend. I guess I can sort of wrap my mind around the concept of “THE CLOUD” but also not really ever at all. I just said that so I wouldn’t look AS stupid as I’m making myself sound. WOW, things are going well for me here.

HONESTLY, though. “THE CLOUD?” First of all, nobody understands it – it’s decided. And they couldn’t have come up with a less chilling name? Clouds are supposed to be fluffy and whimsical. We read about them in children’s books. But now, thanks to the tech world, clouds make me think of all our (YES. yours too) personal information swirling inside of an invisible vortex in the sky. THANKS SO MUCH, TECHNOLOGY, YOU’VE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELF ON THIS ONE.

I’m not going to bother explaining to you that I’m not crazy, because usually the people who say that are the crazy ones. And regardless of whether I write it or not, I probably am crazy. It’s fine.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m just a concerned citizen who is resistant to technology taking over the planet. I don’t think this is too far fetched. I CAN’T be the only one with concerns of this nature.

Will I still use the internet every day? Indubitably. I am a reasonable member of society whose fear has its bounds, some of which are Netflix and this blog.

But I won’t do it without underlying suspicion.

Now that I have cast an ominous cloud (or was it already there? Because “THE CLOUD”) over you perusing the web, enjoy scrolling.

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I’m not crazy.