Gimme a “V” dot the “I”

So, I guess I’m not a nickel after all. Or maybe employers are just really into hiring the fruitcakes and meatloafs (meatloaves? WHAT IS THE PLURAL OF MEATLOAF? HELP) of people these days. Either way, I got a job. WOOP. And this week was my first week on the job.

By “on the job,” I mean sitting in a semi-comfy chair and listening to people from HR talk, completing computer & skills training, yada yada you know the drill. Have I actually done anything that I’ll be doing for my ACTUAL job? No. But I survived week 1: Orientation, and I’m giving my self a pat on the back for that. And by “pat on the back” I mean consuming more delicious, artery-clogging foods than I normally would because I’M CELEBRATING, DAMMIT.

What am I celebrating? The victories. Haven’t made a difference or saved anybody’s life, but do you know what? I HAVE STILL BEEN VICTORIOUS.

Let me tell you the gripping tales of my victories.

I wore a white blouse on my first day. It is so so white. Bleached, pasty WHITE. It is one key piece of what I call my “dress for success outfit” sponsored by Loft. Yes, it is a real outfit that I own, and yes I do call it that. Ask my family. I AM A HOOT AND A HALF (they’d probably disagree with that statement. I DIGRESS.) What did they serve us for lunch? Pizza. You know, that heavenly stuff with red sauce that oozes onto your clothes when you take a bite? [[Relevant side note: I love pizza more than life and find it quite difficult to maintain self control when pizza is involved.]] SO here I am, trying to not act too abnormally excited about having pizza for lunch in front of ~30 other professionals.

BUT you know what? It honestly would NOT have been THAAAT weird if I had. Because when we had to introduce ourselves in front of said ~30 professionals and say something interesting about ourselves (aka my least favorite activity), the girl next to me volunteered to go first, so I had to go second. And the only thing I could think of on-the-spot OTHER than my usual go-to of “I have a deep fear (riding on phobia) of geese” was: “Um, my favorite food is pizza. *awkward smile*” So ACTUALLY victory numero uno was NOT saying “I have a deep fear (riding on phobia) of geese” and having to explain said fear in front of this assortment of well-dressed, professional strangers.

SO ANYWAYS back to the white blouse. YOU GUYS. I didn’t get ANYTHING on the shirt. NOTHING. NADA. NO drops of pizza sauce or grease were spilled on the perfectly white blouse. It looked the same at 6AM as it did at 5PM. That is a monstrous victory. I even mini-fist-pumped to myself  under the table when I looked down at the un-tainted blouse after lunch. This victory REQUIRED it.

ALSO a victory: I got today off which is GLORIOUS (even though that means I work on Labor Day), but big WHOOP because I don’t even really celebrate that holiday anyways and I get a FREE DAY today.

Moving right along.

This past week I became a commuter. I commute about an hour and a half into the citaaaaay each day. I can see the grimace on your face and hear you moaning sympathetically. But please don’t. Because honestly, commuting isn’t THAT bad. I now see you smugly smiling, knowing my outlook will not be so positive in a month or so. You’re probably right. BUT LET ME HAVE THIS FOR NOW AT LEAST.

My victories are in the learning. I am learning oh so much. The art of nicely cutting people off during rush-hour, honing my skills of trying to break as seldom as possible in stop-and-go traffic, and learning to not care how odd I may look when I dance/sing to the radio as I sit on the slow-as-molasses “express”way.

I’m learning how easy it is to make myself feel PRETTY GREAT when I give people ample space to merge in front of me “WOW. LOOK HOW NICE I AM!” as I speed up to assure that ONLY one car has that opportunity. “SIR. Oh, NO. You may NOT try and sneak in front of me too. THIS IS A ONE-CAR DEAL I AM OFFERING HERE. WAITCHA TURN.” I’m learning that I would gladly take 3 people cutting me off to one person riding my back bumper. I don’t often get road rage. Honestly. But try to play bumper tag with me when I am going a PERFECTLY reasonable speed and we WILL have issues. So, I mean, these lessons aren’t necessarily victories but WHATEVER.

My greatest victory yet is that I now understand the radio traffic reports. What used to be incomprehensible gibberish is now the eagerly-awaited bearer of bad news each morning and afternoon. BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE BECAUSE I CAN UNDERSTAND IT.

It no longer baffles me that the kind people of Chicago can actually draw meaning from:
“OUTBOUNDONTHESTEVENSON55MINUTESFROMTHEJUNCTION, ONTHEKENNEDYTOO’HARE48MINUTESINBOUND, THERE’SANACCIDENTONTHEIKEATWOLF,STOP-AND-GOFROMTHERE, OUTBOUNDFROMLAKESHORETOTHEDANRYANYOU’RELOOKINGATABOUT ANHOURAND35MINUTES,SOSITTIGHT THIS TRAFFICREPORTBROUGHTOYOUBYALLSTATE” 

BECAUSE I ALSO DRAW MEANING FROM IT NOW TOO. It makes me feel like SUCH an adult. That is a VICTORY, comrades.

Oh my. I just wrote the word “comrades.” I need to stop writing before I regret ALL THE THINGS. I’ll leave you with this: celebrate the victories this week(end), people – no matter how small they may be.